I wish to do this as discreetly and as quietly as possible as I learn more about how the manipulation transpires! Manipulation, no matter what the motivation, did not go well with me because I was a victim of manipulation.
Being a victim of manipulation, I resorted to crying and beating myself up. Yet, it was I who was humbled and humiliated at the end! I sympathize with my condition because I was upset at how I got manipulated in the first place. Then it made sense that some manipulation has honorable actions.
I tried to contemplate some sense into myself as I think highly of myself. I am a person full of integrity and intentionally never hurt anyone's feelings. Until I was awakened to the fact that manipulation exists in every aspect of our living life.
It starts from the day we were born. The fact that this could be a huge personal setback, should not let me distract from the things that actually matter in my life.
I find my existence meaningful when things work out favorably and when I have an upper hand but failed to realize that I have been manipulating all the way. When a situation does not work to my liking and expectations, then my thoughts are completely overwhelmed by the feeling of being manipulated and my judgment is clouded.
The experience sticks right into my face and brings about pain and hurts because all judgment kicks in but I am unable to bring myself to reconciliation for being manipulated. As a human, one may wish to live a protected life but, don’t forget, in the grand scheme of things, manipulation is significant.
It was quite interesting when a layer of illusion was lifted for me to learn how oblivious my action was to my ambitions. I was manipulating situations for my favor and I did not just start yesterday but I have been pursuing this since the day I was born. I let go of my ego and looked ahead to the other opportunities the Universe was offering me.
I know! I know! You don’t have to say anything good to make me feel better. I am fine...But as a result of my humiliating experience, I have considered myself unworthy. I do believe that my current predicament is due to my upbringing which is greatly influenced by the environment, culture, and society.
These societal pressures diluted my persona's values and systems and widened the gap between my pure qualities as a soul to what has been conditioned on me. Furthermore, I have been levied with conditions to improve my quality of life, nurture winning attitudes and prove myself to be a perfectionist in every role that I play; be it a student, a wife, a daughter, a mother or even as a friend! I was not able to escape from this nature and manipulation became the tool for my survival.
Amazingly, as I was proclaiming to a friend in a discussion on how honest and truthful I am; I got shocked by the response,
That response kind of alerted me to my shortcomings. All this while I was led by a blind notion that I am going through the path of righteousness but when my friend highlighted how I manipulate things and situations in business to remain afloat, another layer unfolds.
I have a nagging thought on how unconsciously I have been manipulating for years. It is human nature to desire the best for one's self and it is quite likely that I have been an agent of manipulation at the personal level too.
I am confused and in despair. So, why am I being upset for being a victim of manipulation? As I was going through the pain, sufferings and heart ache, I don't doubt for a second that I delivered the same fate to others.
I do not intend to blame the person for any such conscious intent but wouldn't it be natural that subconsciously the person was deliberate. After all, the human mind is fickle and difficult to control. I still have not come out of my stupor. I am furious because my trust has been broken.
My heart was shattered into a million pieces and I feel foolish and used. And now, I will have to begin the difficult task of mending. As I was chewing on why and what I was crying about, I realized there was some truth to the saying "that whatever goes around comes around."
I had a million questions:
- The bigger question is how can one survive in this very manipulative society and not be manipulative?
- I was pondering how manipulation gained a negative connotation in my life?
- Does manipulation present a negative connotation when it did not fulfill my desired expectations? Or was it my perception that makes manipulation render a negative outlook?
- Why can't things be done without any manipulation?
- Why does one have to have an upper hand and another short end of the stick?
- Why can’t there be equanimity?
- How does this affect the human psyche other than making me feel a bit toxic that my acts could have been perceived as manipulation and I was not even aware of it?
- Do I minimize the act of manipulation? If so, how do I bring about equanimity?
- Is that something that requires a certain skill set or tools to graduate to be non-manipulative?
Whatever the question was, when the time for self-awakening comes, no amount of arguments or logic could dissuade anyone. I had realized that ultimately in any given situation, we are all manipulative in some manner and once we are aware about it, we will be moving towards self-actualization. The rationalist in me realizes it is easier to let awakening wash over my manipulative-ness and go with the flow because that is how we are built and no point in regretting it.